Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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