I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
