I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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