There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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