Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am available for nakedness
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
