I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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