you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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