so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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