mondays should just be called national damage control day
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away