I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?