your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??