I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!