So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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