Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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