dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
this just has baby written all over it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Text me some of your sweat
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
