I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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