Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
