Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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