there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
