Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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