Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
