you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
