I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
