He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
