Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
