what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
