My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
