Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
