Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.