Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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