I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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