I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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