I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You're earring is so big in my mouth
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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