glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
wow bdsm is so cute
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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