Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
just found out that she named her cat after me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
