This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
