I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
