Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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