Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
