Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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