He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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