I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
