If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
