Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
