god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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