overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
