She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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