he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
not ubering you a puppy
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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