Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
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My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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