everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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