I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
