i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
