So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
