I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
