dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
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Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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