went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
